What Religion Would Zombies Be?

By Vexen Crabtree 2006 Sep 14

If the braindead masses were religious, what religion would suit them? Perhaps a wishy-washy liberal Christian denomination like the Church of England? Or maybe a complex polytheist religion, like Hinduism? Well an important aspect of being a zombie, is that you hate those who are not zombies. You want everyone to be like yourself, or dead. So that rules out liberal Christian denominations and liberal religions like Bahai or New Age beliefs, because they accept others' beliefs.

Given their coercive prosyltisation of zombie-ness (i.e., convert or die), and their very simplistic outlook, zombies must be fundamentalists, of either the Muslim or Christian type. Zombies have lost most of their brain function. They are never seen or heard behaving normally or saying normal things. The zombie religion takes up their whole lives. Without their religion, they are nothing. They are definitely fundamentalists of some sort.

1. Zombies are Muslims

Zombies behave like Muslims. Muslims are adherents of the Islamic religion. The word Islam means 'submission to the will of god', and, as such zombies, like Muslims, are completely commited to their way of life. No amount of rational thinking or logic can change their ways: They simply don't listen to reason, and they do not see the point of progress or science.

There is Qu-ranic evidence that zombies are Muslims. The Qu'ran (or Koran) is the holy book of Muslims. It says that 'non-believers' must be introduced to Islam, and if they refuse, they can be killed. Zombies, likewise, will try to turn you into a zombie. Failing that, they will kill you. By eating you. Although Muslims don't eat people, I bet they would if George Romero was the Imam at the local Mosque.

2. Or are Zombies Christian?

There is also Biblical evidence that zombies are Christian. The gospels report that Jesus died, and rose from the dead. Like a zombie. But, Jesus was the head zombie of the zombie religion, and all zombies follow his teachings (see below). Zombies are Christians, because:

Every Sunday Catholics and others eat bread and wine, thinking it is the flesh and blood of Jesus. If Christians aren't zombies, then they at least want to be, and are therefore are zombie-sympathizers and should all be locked up.

3. Religion and Zombies

We have found that zombies are all either Muslims or Christian fundamentalists, and that Catholics want to be zombies. It is amazing what you can learn from zombie films! But have we really learnt anything new? For the braindead masses of the world are 33% Christian, and 22% Muslim... when they talk of 'apocalypse', they are all eagerly awaiting the resurrection, when all non-believers will be converted or killed! Fear zombies, and their human acolytes!

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By Vexen Crabtree 2006 Sep 14
http://www.vexen.co.uk/zombies/religion.html

References: (What's this?)

The Bible (NIV). The NIV is the best translation for accuracy whilst maintaining readability. Multiple authors, a compendium of multiple previously published books. I prefer to take quotes from the NIV but where I quote the Bible en masse I must quote from the KJV because it is not copyrighted, whilst the NIV is. [Book Review]

© 2013 Vexen Crabtree. All rights reserved.

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